Why Is My Partner So Needy?

Wanting Connection Is Not "Neediness"

It sure is easy to label someone as “needy,” but let me ask you this! What’s the alternative? Do you want a partner who doesn’t care about being in a relationship with you? I want a partner who absolutely LOVES our marriage. I want to love our marriage. Are we sure we want to pathologize that? I say, “heck no!” In fact, I want to lean into everything in my relationship.

A Call to Connection, Not a Red Flag

“Neediness,” like so many things, can be a red flag or call-to-action. RED ALERT! Something feels off with us, and we’re way too important to me to ignore it and let unintentionally steal from us something rare and valuable. So, if someone wants reassurance or more emotional closeness. Why would anyone recoil?

Why Do We Pull Away?

It’s such a great question and an opportunity to expand the conversation. Because we often recoil at our partner’s distress. Why do we do that? Well, mainly because we don’t know what to do. We’re almost paralyzed. My partner’s telling me something is wrong. I have no idea how to show up (because I was never taught how), so I’m just going to withdraw over here so I don’t mess up and make everything worse. Ouch! And then OUCH!

What Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Teaches Us

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we understand all of these behaviors not as weaknesses but as signals of healthy attachment needs AND a signal that we care so much we’re afraid of messing things up. Just like infants need their caregiver, adults need to feel securely bonded to their partner and capable of responding competently. Babies don’t need to respond competently—they’re babies, but we do need to. We’re not babies anymore. When someone reaches for closeness, they’re not being difficult for the sake of being difficult—they’re expressing a desire to connect. They literally want MORE OF US! How can that be a weakness? It’s literally love trying to find a safe home.

Reframing the Question: “Do You Still Love Me?”

Imagine your partner asking, “Do you still love me?” on a day you’ve been distracted. Rather than seeing this as a demand, try seeing it as a tender invitation back to connection. Underneath that question is vulnerability—and a longing to know they still matter. And that’s a very good thing!

Ready to Start the Conversation?

We might explore these types of conversations in a couple’s counseling session. If it feels tough for you to have this HEALING, CONNECTING type of conversation with your partner, click through to the contact page and explore with me how you and your partner might start the process of building the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed of.