No, Your Partner Isn’t a Super-Villain (What's Really Going On?)

Sometimes it feels like there are only two types of people in the world: those who understand us… and those who clearly woke up in the morning with a personal mission to make our lives miserable.

Or at least, that’s how it feels.

But here’s the thing—most people don’t wake up thinking, “How can I emotionally damage my spouse today?” That’s a “pain narrative.” It’s what happens when our brains try to explain hurtful behavior without all the facts. We assume the worst because we feel the worst.

The truth? People do things for reasons, and most of the time those reasons make sense—at least to them. And here’s the kicker: the same is true for you. When your partner is hard to understand, you’re not exactly a walk in the park yourself.

We’re just not great at talking to each other. If a stranger on the street spoke to us the way we sometimes speak to our partners, we’d probably say, “Uh… yeah, no. Goodbye.” But in marriage, those sharp reactions usually come from pain. And pain makes everyone a little weird.

“Okay, but what about when my partner’s wrong?”

Here’s the bad news: you mess up too. Here’s the good news: so does your partner.

And most of the time, those mess-ups aren’t because either of you are bad people—they’re because you’re both trying (poorly) to make things better.

Meet Sam and Riley

Sam and Riley love each other deeply. But they have one of those dynamics where “one gets big, one gets small”.

One night, after a stressful day, Sam came home to find the sink full of dishes. Sam “got big.” The volume went up, the arms started moving, and the words came out fast: “We’ve talked about this! You just leave stuff for me to do—don’t you care about us?”

Riley “got small.” The shoulders tightened, the eyes dropped to the floor, and Riley muttered, “I’m not doing this right now,” before disappearing to the bedroom.

If you freeze-frame that moment, it looks like one person is aggressive and one person is cold. But look closer.

Sam was thinking, If we can just fix this right now, we’ll be okay again. Riley was thinking, If we keep talking while we’re this upset, we’ll hurt each other. I need to back away so we can be okay again.

Same goal—reconnection. Opposite strategies. Danger Will Robinson! But, what a terrific observation! We can use this information to change our marriage culture.

Building a New Marriage Culture

Once we realize our partner’s not a jackhat sent here by fate to ruin our lives, we can reorient ourselves.

We can work toward a marriage culture where:

• Nobody has to “get big” to be heard.

• Nobody has to “get small” to feel safe.

Instead, we create safety for each other. We slow down. We leave more space to think while we’re talking. We try to avoid creating fresh wounds in the middle of a heated moment. We lower the emotional temperature.

And we set our goal on connection first, resolution second.

Why Connection Beats Resolution

If our goal is always to “solve” the problem immediately, we end up putting ourselves in “resolve it now or die” mode. That’s way too much pressure (and yes, I’m laughing while I say that).

When connection comes first, the pressure eases. We can think of solutions as an ongoing relationship project, instead of a one-shot before catastrophe emergency.

The beauty of this? You stop having to be “right” or “done” in order to be close.

The Real Reason We Get Stuck

Bad people aren’t why most relationships get stuck. Flawed people aren’t the reason either. We just don’t know how to “DO” marriage.

The good news, however, It’s LEARNABLE!

We can learn how to talk differently. We can learn how to create safety in conflict. We can learn how to seek connection before we seek solutions.

And when we do, the “pain narratives” start to fade, because we’re too busy writing a better story together. Let that sink in for a minute...

Final thought: 

If you think your marriage’s problem is that your spouse is “broken,” you’re going to miss the fact that both of you are just human. And humans—especially the married kind—can grow.

A Gentle Invitation

If you’re tired of feeling stuck in the same patterns, couples therapy can be a safe place to slow things down, learn new tools, and rediscover what it feels like to truly be on the same team again.

At RLCC Texas, we help couples stop the blame cycle, create emotional safety, and build a stronger connection that lasts. You don’t have to keep doing this alone—or keep doing it the hard way. You don't have to always feel alone.

📅 Schedule an appointment today and let’s start writing a better story for your marriage—together.

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