Okay, Let’s Talk About Sex: Kind Of An Introduction
- Chuck Powers
- Sep 9
- 5 min read
When couples come to counseling, the conversation almost always lands here eventually: “We’re not having sex enough.” “We’re not having sex the way I want to.” "Why don't I want to have sex with my partner?" “Why do we see this part of our relationship so differently?”
And here’s the truth: there’s nothing wrong with asking these questions. In fact, they're very good, healthy questions. Nearly every couple wrestles with the role of sex and intimacy in marriage, and exactly what that looks like in a hectic, pressurized world with children and careers.
So, let's go ahead and jump into the topic. Let's talk about sex!
Sex Is Not Only Biological Sex
Sex in a marriage isn’t only about physical release. It’s about closeness, reassurance, tone, identity, and of course, the US--emotional connection. It’s about saying with your body:
"I like you."
“I still choose you.”
“I still want you.”
“We’re still us.”
When emotional connection is thriving, sex can feel pretty easy. Remember sex when you were dating or just getting started on your joint adventure? Do you remember how uncomplicated it was? When sex is healthy and safe, emotional connection often feels stronger. They feed each other. And, there's good reason for that. Most women need an emotional connection to feel sexual, most men need sex to feel an emotional connection. More sex? More emotional connection. More emotional connection? More sex. I wish it was that, but it is a little more complicated than that in practice and considering societal messaging around relationships. More on this later.
SO, when couples get into conflict about sex, the argument isn’t really always about frequency, preferences, or technique. It’s about longing. One person is longing for reassurance. The other is longing for safety. Both want to feel wanted, valued, and loved in both areas.
A Male Perspective (in broad strokes)
For many men, sex is a primary way of expressing love and receiving connection. I know, I just said that (haha).
Frequency often matters because it communicates: “She still desires me. I’m wanted.”
Preferences sometimes carry the meaning: “She’s willing to try this because she’s with me. I matter to her."
Rejection--and even what may feel like rejection--can cut deeply—not only as “no to sex,” but as “no to me.”
This doesn’t mean all men see sex this way, but it’s a common emotional pattern: sex = love, desire, and affirmation.
A Female Perspective (in broad strokes)
For many women, emotional closeness is what creates the desire for physical closeness. I said that too. I'm repeating myself!
Frequency isn’t about the number of times—it’s about the quality of the connection before and during.
Preferences often mean: “Do you care about my comfort, my pleasure, and my sense of safety?”
Rejection isn’t only about saying “no” to sex—it can feel like: “I don’t matter enough for you to slow down, notice me, or meet me where I am.”
Again—not every woman feels this way, but it’s a common emotional pattern: safety, tenderness, and words of love = openness to sex.
Taylor & Jordan
Taylor and Jordan came to counseling feeling stuck.
Taylor said, “We never have sex anymore. I feel like I don’t matter to Jordan.”
Jordan said, “I feel pressured all the time. I can’t relax. When I don’t feel safe, sex is the last thing on my mind.”
Here’s the funny part: both were trying to solve the same problem—how to feel connected again. Taylor pushed harder because closeness felt urgent. Jordan pulled back because safety felt essential. Both wanted love. Both wanted peace.
Once they realized they weren’t enemies, but teammates fighting the same cycle, something softened. They began experimenting with slower conversations, more affection outside the bedroom, and less pressure for “perfect” intimacy. Within weeks, sex started to feel less like a chore and more like an adventure again.
Their story isn’t unique—it’s the story of almost every couple in one way or another.
So Who’s Right?
Both. Absolutely both.
Because sex is not just sex. It’s emotional connection wrapped in physical expression. It’s the physical way couples communicate: “You’re mine, I’m yours, and we belong to each other.”
The challenge comes when partners approach the same need from different starting points.
One says, “If we make love more often, I’ll feel connected.”
The other says, “If we feel connected, I’ll want to make love more often.”
This isn’t wrong. It’s human. It’s just the negative cycle at work in intimacy.
Normalizing Frequency and Preferences
One of the most common questions I hear is: “What’s the right number of times per week or per month couples should be having sex?”
Answer: whatever works for the two of you, SORT OF!
Some couples are once-a-week couples. Some are once-a-month couples. Some are three-times-a-week couples. None of these numbers determine whether your marriage is healthy. What matters is whether both partners feel connected, safe, and satisfied in the rhythm they’ve chosen.
Same goes for preferences. Some partners want routine and predictability. Others want variety and playfulness. Neither is wrong. The goal isn’t to “convert” the other—it’s to understand one another’s desires, talk about them without shame, and work toward patterns that leave you both feeling valued.
Emotional Connection Through Words
For many couples, emotional intimacy outside the bedroom paves the way for physical intimacy inside it. Words matter.
Express appreciation daily. This isn't a thank you for doing the dishes, though noticing your partner's efforts are really important. Appreciation is choosing your partner again. Every day. Spending time with your partner because you like spending time with your partner. Sneaking away for tiny escapes to share a candybar together without having to tithe 90% to grabby little hands (haha).
Speak kindness into your partner’s day. Oh man! I need to write a blog on kindness!
Share hopes, fears, and even silly thoughts—because talking keeps you tethered.
When your partner feels cherished through words, sex often becomes an extension of that emotional warmth.
Emotional Connection Through Touch
On the flip side, physical intimacy itself creates emotional closeness.
A lingering kiss.
A hand resting on the small of the back.
Choosing to make love even when you’re tired, because you know the emotional bond it strengthens.
For some partners, this is their clearest path into feeling loved. *It's hard to hold this space when you're feeling hurt and unnoticed. I'm asking you to hold space here anyway for the time when you actually feel so valued by your partner, this idea makes perfect sense. That may not be now. But, you two can create the space for it. Together.
So How Do We Balance This?
Talk about sex openly. Without shame. Without judgment. With curiosity and kindness.
Acknowledge differences. Stop assuming one way is right and the other is broken. Both perspectives make sense.
Negotiate with love. Sometimes you’ll lean toward frequency. Sometimes toward comfort. Sometimes toward trying something new. The goal is CONNECTION, not performance.
When Couples Struggle
If sex has become a battleground in your marriage, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It usually means you’ve fallen into a negative cycle where both partners feel unseen.
Therapy is a place to slow that cycle down. To hear the longings underneath the frustration. To learn how to talk about sex without the room filling with silence or defensiveness. And to discover how both emotional safety and physical passion can live side by side.
Final Thought
Sex isn’t just about bodies—it’s about belonging. Some of you long for connection through words. Some of you long for connection through touch. Both are beautiful. Both are valid. And both can weave together into a marriage you truly love being in.
💡 Invitation: Sex is a complicated topic. If talking about sex together feels overwhelming or impossible, couples therapy really can give you a safe, guided space to explore how sex can enhance your relationship.
📅 Schedule an appointment today!
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