Can We Turn Arguments into Opportunities for Connection?

YES! It's true that all couples fight, but some couples fight more than others, and not all couples grow from their conflicts. Beneath anger and frustration are deeper and softer emotions like hurt, fear, and longing.

Consider Emily and Rubin (I just made up those names because I can't be throwing real clients into the public, haha--I take that really seriously). Anyway, Emily and Rubin often fight over housework. I know, rare example--NOT! On the surface, it looks like a couple bickering about chores, and honestly those are real feelings and real issues in the way the two live together. But underneath, Emily feels unappreciated and overwhelmed, while Rubin feels criticized and like he can never do enough--or get anything right for Emily. The couple ultimately learned to explore and express their deeper feelings instead of getting stuck in the same ol' attack/ defend pattern. Emily shared, 'I feel invisible when the kitchen's a mess, and if I don't clean it, it will never be clean. I feel in this alone.' Marco responds, 'I feel like I'm always failing you, and I get scared that you'll get fed up with me and leave.' That vulnerability is a good place to start, and it ultimately transformed this argument into an opportunity for more connection. Take Away

This article guides readers to recognize there is often an emotional subtext of their conflicts, and that they can use disagreements as a gateway to deeper intimacy. Techniques such as pausing to identify primary emotions, speaking from vulnerability rather than blame, and listening with empathy can transform the way couples navigate disagreements. I have to be honest, though. This is a process of growth, and it requires effort and intention (and lots of practice).